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Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Updates on Me and “the Dude”


I wrote about him here and here AND here… and yes we are still on this merry-go-round of a stint.


I’m happy to say he quit his job at the bar, has the 1 full time job which he loves and is very good at. He was promoted. He has a great apt near a lake, he’s gotten his license back and is driving again. His life has taken leaps and bounds. He’s got furniture etc to fill the apt, he’s working himself out of whatever debt he’s in, I couldn’t be happier for him. He still unfortunately still unable to commit to me or anyone else at this time. I believe he thinks that since he and I started adding sexto our relationship that I’ve been doing the same thing with other guys. That hasn't been the case for months. Before he and I started the sexual aspect of our relationship, then yes I was; but not any more. Since then I have decided to fully commit myself to him until…well, I don’t know. Lately I’ve gotten the vibe that he either is A: Having sex with someone else, which is his right as well as mine since we are not committed, B: Has just “decided” that he no longer wants to have sex with me anymore. This makes me sad since like most things with us, it was either good or “knock it out of the ballpark” great.or
C: Now that I've thought about it, he probably still thinks I'm having sex with other men. Ridiculous! Could I even BE attracted to anyone else?

He’s working himself out of debt etc, he’s been spending quite a few days/nights in his apt drinking, smoking and having friends over. The drinking and smoking he wasn’t doing before he and I started the sexual aspect of our relationship. Seems the more we had sex the more he’d be drinking or drunk when I’d come over. The time of me spending the night at his apt are over, for whatever reason he’d just rather not have me there, no explanation. I see that he’s relishing that fact that he’s able to get out and do whatever he wants, get around town, have his own place to rest and be quiet, but what he doesn’t understand is that I want to be with him too. Sometimes I do get to do that 2-3 times a week, some weeks not at all. Lately he’s been working a ton and hasn’t really had the time to see me which I understand, but it doesn’t make me want to be with him any less.


He’s come to understand for the most part that he has the ability to call me for help and I will help him.. Does he to do the same for me, no. He always says, I care about you, but can I do anything about it- no. He always argues me under the table, which infuriates and enlightens me. The relationship is turbulent mostly because he feels he can’t emotionally give to anyone right now. He also has issue with communicating what he feels based on that. Why is all of this worth it? Sure, love him….period. I have a laundry list of things that we are compatible on and shared similarities, the only 2 things that are missing is the commitment and affection. Yep, for the most part he shows me none. No hugs, no affectionate kissing, nothing… Does is bother me? Sure it does, but being that he can’t commit emotionally... There’s actually a lot about this whole thing that I don’t like but a lot that outweigh it as well. As I had stated in previous entries this is a very new and strange situation for me to be dealing with and I find myself being rendered helpless for the most part, even though this is completely not my usual behavior. I literally know I should run but I find that I can’t. For whatever reason I find myself being grounded by him unable to move, much less run. I know that this won’t last, I also it will end nasty but I’ve tried looking for an easy way out, the easiest route that will cause the least amount of pain for me because I believe he could care less how I feel so I haven’t told him anything. Granted, I know when this whole thing ends, it will no doubt be extremely painful for me. He however, believes that I have a “devil may care” attitude toward all of this. He has no idea I sit and think about where he is, what he’s doing, how he feels, if he’s ok. I doubt he puts in that sort of time on how I am. I’ve convinced myself that if I told him how much I loved him it wouldn’t make a shred of difference but probably just make things worse, so I’ve kept my mouth shut. It still seems he calls the shots quite a bit because we both have dueling schedules that doesn’t allow a lot of time to be together unless it’s on his days off. Since I work until 10p most nights and he has to be up and to work by 7 or 8am it’s hard to make that work. I feel all that I can really do is eventually spill my guts and tell him everything I feel and hope for a positive reaction.. Just not ready to do that yet..

Monday, November 23, 2009

Inhale/Exhale


It was very a much a lazy weekend with a drop of temporary drama added. It started with the Rob Zombie concert on Friday, which I THOUGHT was on Saturday night, so I ended up rushing home to shower and change before Dibs and Alex showed up. The concert was loud, gnarly and cool. Unfortunately, my damn camera battery died in the middle of the show at the most need time of course. I was trying to shoot Rob but he runs around so much it’s hard to get a pic of him. At one point I was following him with my camera and he just disappeared. I looked at Dibs and said “Dammit, where’d he go?” Dibs hits me on the arm and says turn around and wholly fuck Rob Zombie was right behind me with a hand held spotlight. I’m trying to shoot him with my camera and the “battery exhausted” light comes on and the camera shuts itself off…Still determined to get a pic of him, I whip out my phone and try to snap a photo and all I ended up getting was a pic of a bright light and a black background. Oh well, another time I guess. Tried to meet up with Dayna and Kelly afterward but Kelly wasn’t feeling well, so they packed it in early, so I went to bed.


Saturday I agreed to take Dayna to the airport at 9a. She’s flying back to Lubbock to spend the holiday with her fam. As I’m going to pick her up I get a call from one the girls that works with me at the airport. She’s crying and asking me if I would work for her since she was robbed while working her other job in Minneapolis. I agreed and ended up working 2-9p at the airport. Once I was home, settled in my jammies etc, I spent a couple of hours on FB and arguing on the phone with my ex Paul. We talked about my two jobs and how I don’t stick up for myself and how I need to be handling the current situation that I’m dealing with-more on that later. Then “the Dude” I noticed chimed in with a few of what I considered harmless comments, then it started getting nasty. He made a few “private” and nasty comments about my health. I didn’t understand why he was being such a jerk so I tried calling him- no answer. So I texted him and was asking why he was being a jerk and he came back with a nasty reply.. I was surprised but too tired to deal with it so I deleted him off my friends, just in case he decided to continue posting and sadly went to bed. Granted this has been a 6 month drama between “the Dude” and I and I have to say with all the bull etc I think we do understand each other and how to push each other’s buttons. We do fight a lot, I stick up for myself and I think we’ve come to realize that unless it gets terrible it’ll never be over between us. Thing is I adore him..period. However, there is a limit to what I’ll put up with and it’s getting to that point.


Next morning I posted something and apparently a few people were now privy to a health issue I wanted to remain private..So I ended up explaining etc. My brother still/does want to take “Dude” out and shoot him for being so damn mean over nothing. It seemed to everyone that he was jealous, even though he denies it. “the Dude” calls me and I let him have it. First thing out of his mouth was “I’m sorry”, which is what it should have been. He thought I attacked him so he reciprocated, which I thought was bull. I didn't think there was any part of what I said that could remotely be construed as "attacking" or even being negative.I told him that he should know better, that’s not part of my MO. I asked if he’d been drinking and if he remembered the things he said and the answer was he remembered some. He ended up apologizing 4 times before I let it go. His excuse was that he’s been dealing with some things, he’d been drinking, he saw on FB that I was arguing with my ex and he’s convinced that we are still in love. I made a harmless comment, he took it as an attack, got pissed and attacked back.   In the end we ended our conversation on a good note, checked in with each other later that evening and then again before we both went to bed. Which I thought was nice.


After I hung up with “the Dude” I ate, and slept. I don’t think I got out of bed all day with the exception of going for a brief run because what I ate seemed to be weighing me down.. Later I caught up with Kat to go see Boondock Saints II but we decided to sit and chat at Denny’s instead. I love my friends.


I planned on getting most if not the entire house clean but fell into a coma mid afternoon due to the large amounts of eats I had. It was a fairly lazy weekend. I told “the Dude” I would have rather spent all day Sunday in bed with him, eating, snuggling and watching movies…he really didn’t comment on that…


As for this next week, I work Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday at both jobs, plan on going over to my parents for T-day, Ryan’s and my traditional T-day movie, then to “the Dude’s” to share my T-day left over’s and celebrate T-day. I’m a firm believer no one having to spend a holiday alone. Then Friday off.


But between here and there, I do need to get 2 loads of laundry folded and put away, the entire house vacuumed and dusted before I can consider doing anything.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

4 years Ago

I have to always keep this in mind...ALWAYS..

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Stolen

Stolen from Laura:

What is your idea of perfect happiness?

Living in the mountains of Montana, a cattle ranch, seasons, and a steady beau living with me..


What is your greatest fear?
Death.


What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
My “bar” isn’t set high enough on everything and it should be..


What is the trait you most deplore in others?
meanness/arrogance


On what occasion do you lie?
When I’m trying to prevent someone from knowing/finding out something negative that I KNOW will hurt them



What is your greatest extravagance?
SHOES!!!! I’ll pay $300. on a great pair of Italian shoes if they’re fabulous!


What is your current state of mind?
Anger and hurt… I don’t understand why some people play games to hurt others, including me.


What is the quality you most like in a man?
Sense of humor


What is the quality you most like in a woman?
The “lady in public and whore in the bedroom” quality


Which words or phrases do you most overuse?
“Are you fucking kidding me?”


When and where were you happiest?
Sitting in front of Cup O’ Joe in July…


Who are your favorite writers?
T.S. Eliot, Ralph Waldo Emerson


Which talent would you most like to have?
Great painter


If you could change one thing about your family, what would it be?
That we would understand each other better and feel more empathy towards each other. Seems we always think each other’s opinions are dumb or not worthy of thought.



If you died and came back as a person or thing, what do you think it would be?
It would be just like “What Dreams May Come”. And I could help others realize that their life had meaning and how they effected others..


What do you dislike most about your appearance?
My butt and legs are too big…


Where would you like to live?
Mountains of Montana on a cattle ranch


What is your most treasured possession?
My fender tele, my house, my books and music (so there’s more than 1)


What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?
Depression


What do you most value in your friends?
Support and honesty


What are your favorite names?
?


What is it that you most dislike?
Meanness


What is your greatest regret?
That I screwed around in college and didn’t finish my music degree


How would you like to die?
In the mountains, snuggled in bed on a cold winter’s day, in my sleep


What is your motto?
“It’s all good..”

Monday, November 09, 2009

The Death of Souls

Watching as rocks pile high against the dirt,

always built on sweat and hurt.
Stone cold; the dead are laid,
Their legs crossed; how dirt is made.
Death- so high on the plain,
Earth, yes earth to which they are spread.

Some will live, many will die.
Come shadow and raise their souls into the sky.
Left to decay in the ground,
while the cold wind scatters the ashes around.
The dark; to which souls fear to tread,
for they know with the light, comes the end.

The Ship



Imagine your love is a sailing ship that is achored at your peer.
You lift the sails and man the decks to keep it steady on restless sea.
It will come to be, that a lighthouse will beckon the promise of solitary shores,
whilst you steer it clear of rock and reef.
Many sailors will admire and flock to where its moored,
each in hope that they too can come aboard.
With you it might be that you succeed and both survive the stormest sea.