Steady Tremor

The weekend was really good considering a few things happened..err, didn’t happen more or less.
I was set up by a friend to speak to someone and chickened out at the last minute after making a big deal about it. Pisses me off, how I can pretty much can talk to anyone but this ..one..stoopid..guy. Which brings up “Christian”. The guy for some bizarre reason has literally shattered any confidence I had. I find myself questioning everything these days, in constant doubt and needing self assurance. I’m even wondering why I work out anymore!! It’s pathetic and insane..the guy is a moron! Some of my friends have seen this and have taken it upon themselves to “torture” him a bit. Granted, it’s all immature but he hurt me, so I’m watching passively while my friends hurt him. Funny thing about it all is that they're mean as hell to him and he keeps coming back! If I’d known he was one for being tortured I’d a brought my riding crop and “toys” on our date and beat the crap out of him a bit!!

Bringing all this up brings me to the point of this entry…the thing we’ve dubbed “The Pipeline”… I have mentioned previous that I have a really good sense of intuition that I regularly ignore only to have blow up in my face…well, I’m feeling little “tremors” roll through and have felt something big is going to happen that will affect myself and roll onto my friends. I can’t be sure of what it is, only that it is happening. It started around my birthday and is slowly rolling itself out.
I’ll let you know what happens when it all rolls out because I thought I was the first one that it hit and I was wrong, it was Rachel and Anne…so…

My Favorite Mistake

"My Favorite Mistake"-Sheryl Crow
I woke up and called this morning
The tone of your voice was a warning
That you don't care for me anymore
I made up the bed we sleep in
I looked at the clock when you creep in
It's 6 a.m. and I'm alone

[Chorus:]
Did you know when you go
It's the perfect ending
To the bad day
I was just beginning
When you go all I know is
You're my favorite mistake

Your friends are sorry for me
They watch you pretend to adore me
But I'm no fool to this game
Now here comes your secret lover
She'd be unlike any other
Until your guilt goes up in flames

[Chorus:]
Did you know when you go
It's the perfect ending
To the bad day
I'd gotten used to spending
When you go all I know is
You're my favorite mistake
You're my favorite mistake

Well maybe nothin' lasts forever
Even when you stay together
I don't need forever after
It's your laughter won't let me go
So I'm holding on this way

Did you know, could you tell
You were the only one
That I ever loved
Now everything's so wrong

Did you see me walking by?
Did it ever make you cry?
You're my favorite mistake

When Did It Get So Complicated?

WARNING!-This is a long one so if you have ADD or don't like to read, turn away now!!!

The weekend sucked ya’ll and I’m exhausted from thinking about it…
The guy “Christian” who I dated for a milli-second..Met him at a Hairball show last Friday and he pissed me off from the get-go by flicking an ice cube at me.. Ya’ll know I don’t put up with that crap!! Hesitatingly we exchanged numbers and he pursued me for a few days until our date on Sunday.

We met for dinner at Crossroads Deli and had a great time chatting it up. After I was able to get past this asshole persona he ended up being a nice guy and I took a huge liking to the fact that he was a “grease monkey” and worked on cars and motorcycles. After we left the restaurant we went for a drink. As we were drinking he proceeds to tell me that I was/am a clean cut, straight-laced, good girl. Which I almost took as an insult because I’ve always considered myself a bit “rough and tumble”. I explained to him my tattoos, bike riding, percussion playing, cowboy liking ways and he was surprised. He kept telling me that I was “hot” and that I probably hang out in my house looking amazing everyday. (???)) I had to reiterate that I am just me; I have zits, I get sick, look tired and wake up with fish hair just like everyone else. I wasn’t even finished with my drink when he announced that he wanted to go home. Home? Seriously?! I took him home and as we sat in the car in his driveway a strange discussion ensued.. He didn’t want to invite me in, nor did he want me to leave, he also didn’t want to go anywhere else. Now yes, sports fans it did occur to me that he wanted to have sex in the back of the car, but I’m not that easy. Damn people, I’m 38 years old! I can’t be having sex in the back of a car in the freezing fricking cold!?!

I kept asking him what he wanted to do and when I would say that I was leaving, he’d get irate and tell me that he didn’t want me to go. Then he smiled at me and said that the inside of the car sure was quiet. (umm, ok) I should have done something then, but I’m a lady. He declares that he’s going inside, so sitting there embarrassed and wondering what the hell just happened, I left.

I’m halfway home and he calls telling me that he needs to “come clean on a few things” and didn’t want me to “take this the wrong way but…” Apparently (all of which I knew by the way..) his intent was to have a one night stand with me and tell me to piss off. However “everything changed” once we started talking in the restaurant and he realized that not only was a I hot, but really smart, funny and cool…He had changed his mind and now he wants to date me, but doesn’t want to have a “serious relationship” because he’s not good with women and that he may be transferring to Phoenix for work soon. Then proceeds to tell me that “I’m very intimidating” and that he’s used to going out with “trailer trash chicks that are hot but dumb”. He asked me what I thought about all of this and I was like “ok, sounds all good to me since my original intent was the same as yours.” We then talked for about 2 hours about our lives and experiences etc. For some reason he had it in his head that I could/can get anyone I want and I reassured him that I get my fair share but I’m a lady and while I probably could get anyone, I choose not too.

We decided to make plans for me to come over to his house on Monday evening after work. I text him most of the day to verify that he did want me to come over but around 3p I got a text indicating that he would be called away out to western Minnesota to pull parts for a car and wouldn’t be back until around 9p. 9p rolls around and he calls to tell me that he had to cancel. I knew right there that was it. Something was wrong. What had changed between yesterday and today???

I didn’t hear anything for about 48 hours before getting irritated and texted him about being in downtown Hopkins with my friends and it would be great if he would come down. Nothing. After work I called him and spoke to him briefly, he apologized for being abrupt via text on Monday night. We joked around briefly before he said that if I was really going to be in Hopkins he’d call me so we could meet up for a drink.

Friday night comes and I’m thinking he’s not going to show up-just a feeling I’d been having all day. I was right he didn’t show nor did he call. By 11p I lost it. I told Beth and Shan I wanted to leave. I could barely breathe I was so mad and hurt. Beth and Shannon weren’t ready to go so as I sat there I got madder and madder. Next thing you know I’m bawling in front of my friends in public which really pissed me off.

We left and immediately went to Beth’s and I freaked out! Crying and asking Beth, Shannon and the wall why this is happening –again. How I’m just plain-out too old for this shit. That I really thought I could handle having that “carrot” dangled in front of me but having it taken away so abruptly and without reason freaks me out. See the one thing you can guarantee about me is that if I’m not given a reason, I will ALWAYS think it was me. I talked too much, I called too often, I gave too much of myself to fast…

To make a longer story short- It wasn’t me after all. DUH!!!

I didn’t see/speak to anyone for about 24 hours before deciding that this is crap.. Just move on. By Sunday I texted him and asked why he stood me up and got no reply-of course! Than my response: “Just as I thought…When your done being afraid and want a real woman, let me know.” He replies immediately with “WOW, what a statement!, howd U know?” My final reply “Wow what? If you can’t handle a real woman, don’t go after one!”

Done!

A Nice Date that Turned…

I hate dating. It seems I always end up liking these guys that like me but….
We had a lovely date and tried to get him to kiss, make out, something!!!
He wanted to go home…?
We had another date set up which work called him away and I sort of shut down…
This is why I hate dating so much. Why can’t someone just do the simplest thing?-communicate!

And So It Goes-Billy Joel
In every heart there is a room
A sanctuary safe and strong
To heal the wounds from lovers past
Until a new one comes along
I spoke to you in cautious tones
You answered me with no pretense
And still I feel I said too much
My silence is my self defense
And every time I've held a rose
It seems I only felt the thorns
And so it goes, and so it goes
And so will you soon I suppose
But if my silence made you leave
Then that would be my worst mistake
So I will share this room with you
And you can have this heart to break
And this is why my eyes are closed
It's just as well for all I've seen
And so it goes, and so it goes
And you're the only one who knows
So I would choose to be with you
That's if the choice were mine to make
But you can make decisions too
And you can have this heart to break
And so it goes, and so it goes
And you're the only one who knows

Of Course He Does!

It was pointed out to me recently that my current “Crush”, the one noted in my last blog, now has a g-friend. Yep, of course he does and why wouldn’t he? He’s a fairly good looking guy, in the local eye enough to have his choice of girls. Why would he choose a smart girl who would be a confident observer; his silent champion over some random chick that resembles one of his most rabid groupies? Why would he want a woman who takes care of herself over a girl who would rather starve herself into a size 2? Hmmm, I’m not sure I know the answers to these questions, but I am very disappointed that he chooses the latter of the two based on what it is- literally. Granted he doesn’t even know that I liked him or my name for that matter. He’s seen me, boy has he seen me, but I don’t think he’s put two and two together as being the blonde, curly haired girl and the blonde/black straight haired girl that comes to the shows.

As far as his new g-friend is concerned, I would think it would be common knowledge that it’s never a good idea to make it known to everyone that you are a public person’s g-friend/b-friend, wife/husband with the expectation of the public to care. If they do, you might find yourself with a bloody horse head next to you in the morning. Any decent artist worth their salt is gonna have tons of rabid fans, national or local.. Contingencies….


This one apparently is “Crush’s” personal cheerleading squad and happened to announce to a friend (on a crowded dance floor no less) that she was indeed his latest flavor of the month whilst trying to get his attention by screaming his name and holding his hand while he was performing. One of my friends’ overheard it and had informed me. That was just two people, and if I heard it, you know several others had too.


I was and remain disappointed. Before she arrived, he spent his usual time staring at me from behind the amps, and then after she arrived I got to spend the rest of the time staring at his back. Which leads me to believe that there is intent to cheat…not good.

While I remain disappointed, please note my self- esteem remains intact. You're not going to see this girl sitting around sulkying over it for I didn’t like him because he was in a band; I liked him because I thought he was smart, witty and perhaps interesting. We seem to have a lot in common…. I was apparently wrong. I’m sort of glad it turned out this way and he didn’t reject me, for I certainly don’t deal with rejection well...at…all. Out of the 974,252,598 men in Minnesota I have a buffet to choose from, so get in line and take a number, you have now been taken out unless you can prove that your IQ is higher than your current flavor’s.

Note to K's "Crush" ......from Hensch

Dear K's "Crush",

You know, for a man that is actually able to walk upright, speak in full sentences and sign your name without the use of a crayon, you sure are stoopid.

You have been warned on numerous occasions to observe, lust after, and claim my good friend K. To date, I have not heard that you have listened to a word I've said.

You have 45 minutes to call all of your friends and say goodbye. I will be arriving shortly to take you for your "How to recognize a girl with brains" class. You will not be allowed contact with the outside world until you have completed the course.

K's bestest friend,
Hensch

Someone to Take Care of You?

Those very words were said to me by the guy I met 3 weeks ago at Hairball show (Mr. “Are you Slow?”). I almost killed him. Wait, let me start at the beginning …

The girls and I drove out to Hopkins to see our favorite band, the Bad Animals. I invited “Steve” to meet up with us there, if he felt so inclined. He arrived shortly after I did and brought his friend “Tom”. “Steve” asked if I wanted a beer and I politely said no… Next thing I know there is one sitting in front of me. I asked where it came from and who paid for it…he said it was from him and he paid for it…I thanked him and continued to enjoy the show and my friends…I talked to “Steve and “Tom” for a bit and decided to talk to my friends…As I was talking to one of the band members about something personal, “Steve” sticks his head in between us and asks what we were talking about…I told “Steve” it was a private conversation I was having so…
Then every time I had to scratch my arm, back, leg etc, he’d come over and scratch it for me. I’d politely say thank you…By this time I’m starting to get a bit annoyed….
Then he asks if I want another drink and I told him no…another drink appears in front of me…Then I get mad. I tell him that I said no and I’m tired of him buying me things…He fixed my car and for that I’m eternally thankful, but I paid him for it and enough is enough. He made a couple of goofy faces at me and told that he didn’t know what the problem was. I told him that I’m trying to get back on track and I really don’t drink a lot. It’s not good for me . To which he responded “You’ll what? Burn it off in like 10 mins of running anyways..” He had the nerve to tell me that I take this “Athlete, working out thing too seriously” and that I “need someone to take care of “ me…I practically had a fit…

Thing is even though I have/am having issues with my house, my car, my finances..they are my issues! I believe that with independence comes freedom, and that’s what I want and have always wanted. I’ll work it out, I always do. Working to resolve my own issues gives be pride and keeps me sharp and on top of things. I never want someone to “scratch my back”, even the though the intent may be innocent, a sign of affection, or to help-I can do it myself. If I fail, I failed on my own terms- myself. You can comfort me afterwards. Don’t get me wrong, I do want you pull out my chair for me and hold open the door-that is just the “lady” in me that believes I deserve that. There are quite a few things I prefer to handle on my own. I don’t ever want to be one of those women that relies on her husband/boyfriend/significant other for money, place to live, a car…I can do all of that myself…I need companionship and the occasional opinion/sounding board not someone to rub my feet…ok-you can rub my feet, but it’s not a requirement. This is also the reason I’m not going to date this guy.

The last 2 times I have invited him out he’s gotten a bit possessive as well. He points out every guy who stares or looks at me. He drinks waaay too much, eats like crap and never worksout-proclaiming he doesn’t need to. He's 41..What he fails to observe is that eating right, working out etc is MY lifestyle and I feel it's detrimental to a long and healthy life. I’m not considered in the “free and clear” until I hit 5 years… Admitantly I eat like crap when I go out with him. I find it extremely difficult to eat a salad when he’s having a burger and a beer. I certainly don’t expect every person I’m out with to eat a salad because I am, but don’t pick the cheesecake, talk about how great it is and offer me a bite unless you plan on keeping that arm! I’ve tried to explain to him-in detail, how serious I take this. How it's a lifestyle and how I plan to compete in the next year or so. It’s not a vanity thing, it’s a health thing. I just don’t think he gets it. The hint ther is that he makes fun of me and makes comments such as “You look fine”. I’m not asking for an opinion.. I decide whether or not I look fine and it’s not about the physical anyways…Sigh-I just don’t think he gets it and it’s the last time I take him anywhere with me again.

Tid-bits

Life

Things are getting better and the light is now visible at the end of the tunnel. Thanks to all of my friends for “being there” and the many offers of assistance-it means more to me than I can express. Thanks to Hensch for the offer upon offer and patience you’ve shown me-I owe you a good leg sister! Thanks to Steve my jack of all trades! Eternal gratefulness to my parents who are and have been helping me to make ends meet and have been my sounding board through all of this! Finally to P-you are the greatness and goodness of what all human beings should strive to become.
I can’t give any details but it seems things are falling into place now and that my finances will hopefully ease up in the next month or so. I will try to re-fi the house again next month, the car will be done and fixed by week’s end and I have my new legs that I’m “slowly” breaking in.

Post Surgery Workouts

I’ve been finding now that I’m working out again that I am better, stronger and faster. I managed to stay at a pounding heart rate of 180 for 45 mins at a 3% incline…all while listening to Van Halen, Whitesnake, Cheap Trick, 38 Special and the Outfield…not to bad I don’t think… I’m still trying to get back to “lifting” the weight I had before but am 20 under it for the time being.
I’m planning to contact Dr Kass in the next few days about a follow up, the insurance to proceed with phases 2 and 3, and the numbness I’m experiencing below the insertion site (my shin) on my left leg. Other than, I’m kicking it in on the working out and my legs have lost 1” on each. I’m thinking it’s the swelling I had going on for such a long time finally subsiding….

Work

Just something inside me lately has just wanted to shut down for a bit and just take a break-reset so to speak. To not have to worry about the time, money, my job(s) and just sit at home for a couple of days and read those 4 books on my nightstand, go see some great music and meet people…perhaps I just need a vacation.
I’m still not thrilled with working at the Electronics Company. They have more bullshit meetings that I have to partake in…it’s crap all the way around. I haven’t figured out though if it’s the company itself or the Dept. I’ve always hated HR etc but other than the Diversity Dept; I have no clue how anything in the other two depts. benefit our stores. I’m thinking of transferring into the Music or Marketing dept after December. I like the people in the depts., I hate the depts. It just feels as if I have no purpose and that I’m just sitting here spinning my wheels…

I find that again, I’m getting myself into trouble at the airport. We are in the middle of a merger and the new company is a bunch of assholes. We’re having to re-apply for our jobs, retake our drug tests, background checks etc, reestablish pay rate, are being put on a new pay schedule and have to take 2 classes on basic HR crap. Unfortunately for me this means I need to take 2 half days off to take these classes. They are unwilling to budge to assist me in working out a schedule. I was told to “do it or be terminated”. I also made the mistake of miscounting and adding an additional $100. to my deposit. I was able to correct the issue throughout the day by “over selling” to make up for the $100. and came out $33.85 over. I was told that if I do this after the merger, I’d be fired. (sigh), just like I was to be fired if I didn't wear a belt..


Dating

Shannon and I went out to see one of our favorite bands and have drinks last week. She and I are dealing with something similar and I decided to take her out since she was feeling a bit down. Many shots of Jameson, tears and several beers later I decided to give up on “Mr. Online” and relinquish any attachment I have to any guy that is married.
So that means:
“Mr. semi famous Online”- haven’t heard from him in 3 weeks, hurt my feelings and lied about being married…over it!
Mgr at Electronics Company (Mr Berkley Professor)- MAJOR wuss! Too much sunshine for me and he’s married…over it.
Guy I met 3 weeks ago at Hairball show (Mr. “Are you Slow?”)- He’s very smart, very cool and has already saved my ass with the car. Unfortunately I hate his lifestyle. He parties too much, isn’t structured, ambitious, creative, and doesn’t take care of himself being that he’s in his forties. He seems too easy to manipulate and I certainly don’t want someone like that. So we decided to remain friends. He’s a friend that I can go to a sports bar, drink beers and watch a football game with..can’t beat that!

However, in the course of the past year I have slowly developed a slight “crush” on one of the members of a local band the girls and I see. He seems funny, a bit introverted but is “the consummate entertainer”, smart, ambitious, creative, he’s my age and not MARRIED! He’s not in great shape, extremely hot or anything, just a simple guy that probably drinks straight out of the milk carton just like any other single guy.
I’m trying to play this one logically and practically, since I didn’t with “Mr. Online” and it got me nowhere. There’s a lot of competition that’s also vying for his attention so I’m thinking my odds are zip…but never hurts to try…guaranteed I’m smarter than 90% of them anyway..
When Shannon and I were out he approached us. He focused his energy on speaking to Shannon and glanced at me twice. ?? This leads me to believe that he is either disinterested, or intimidated. Neither one I can figure out… If disinterested, why talk to us at all? If intimidated; why ?? I’m not scary; I’m just a nice girl that won’t put up with your shit …

Jumping into the Deep End of the Pool

Well howdy there!!!!
Yes, yes, I’ve been the crabby crab of the world lately-I am very aware of this…. Please don’t get me wrong, I love my life for the most part but this dragging out of the house crap and my dating issues have left me as of late, well, feeling quite frustrated. I’ve been going on tons of runs through the woods and doing a lot of thinking and perhaps I’m going about this all the wrong way.
See, I’ve always prided myself on my self worth, my smarts, tried to carry myself with some dignity and behave like a lady. This is why you’ll never see me with my boobs bursting out of my shirt, wearing obscenely high heels, crotch baring short skirts and my stomach exposed in a too short shirt. I’m not too sure about the guys I’d attract if I went that route. I’ve always been one to fall for the smart guy who wouldn’t be attracted to the “slutty looking, bursting-out-of-my-shirt” type of girl. Smart guys have a tendency (at least in my experience) to like the subtle, hanging-out-quietly-in-the-background type of girl, which is what I do/have been doing. I took a chance and attempted to break out a bit with “Mr. Online” and am trying to do this with another guy I’ve had my eye on recently. Quite frankly it sometimes left me feeling cheap and degraded because I’m so much smarter and better than that. So far I haven’t had any luck either way and am seriously contemplating becoming the “slutty looking, bursting-out-of-my-shirt” type just to go outside “the box”. My friends and family tell me that I have the “don’t even think about it” look a cookin’ most of the time which is why only a limited few approach me. In my own defense I don’t think I’m completely a beast, unless of course you come up to me and say something dumb or crass. Really, if you wouldn’t say it to your mother, don’t say it to me. Enough said there…

Surgery!

I’ve decided to step it up a bit on my plan for self improvement. I’m having leg surgery on November 13th…just minor-really! I will be able to go right back to work right afterwards, will not need stitches nor will there be any scarring.
After a 2 hour exam of both my legs it was brought to my attention that my right leg is preventing me from stepping up my exercise activities.
1. Apparently both my legs were swollen-especially my right when he examined me.
– I do notice this a lot but figured it was because my legs are heavier.
2. The reason why I can’t seem to run past the 3 mile mark is because my calf muscles aren’t getting enough blood to them so they become “heavier” thus harder to run.
em>– Which I had noticed a bit, but assumed it was just me having more weight on my legs than the rest of my body.
3. He asked if I had gotten cramps in my right calf quite a bit and how that would be typical for someone who didn’t have a lot of blood going to that area.
em>–Yes, I do and anyone who knows me has at some point had to help me rub out a calf cramp!
4. I’m more susceptible to blood clots if I let this go.
–I definitely don’t want that!

I originally scheduled it for the end of month, but changed it so I would have more of an opportunity to heal over Thanksgiving break, than at work. I can’t exercise for 2 weeks, which just might kill me. No outdoor running and no lifting more than 10 lbs. for 2 weeks! Then I go back for a check up and see if the veins re routed themselves properly, then to saline the shit out of both legs to clean them up.
Once February/March hits I have an appt set up to have the discoloration on my torso lasered and some sun damaged areas done as well. Then I should be in good shape…


Website and Blog

I had created my “baby”, thoughtsandwhatnots.com back in 2001 when I first started writing, before this blog thing kicked in. I was one of the few that created by hand; learning basic HTML, to create a website. Well, I’m thinking of pulling the website and just keeping my “toddler” site Ideas & Tid-bits and then perhaps changing it to a video blog instead of writing. I seem to come across better, more real etc than I do when I write and the ideas that come with live blogging are much more fluid than if I wrote them down. I’m currently looking to cameras at the electronics company so once I can wrap my head around all parts and contingencies I will make the announcement.

There are certain benefits that come with only having only the blog such as it’s FREE, it’s “auto” hosted and eventually Google will come up more accessories to add to it as blogging grows. The thing I will miss the most about the website is that I can create multiple pages. I can add a bio page, an art page, etc whereas Blogger doesn’t have those features. The Thoughts site also allows me to create and change out my own layout whereas you pick and choose, then alter an already existing layout. I have some tricks and ideas about this that I’m throwing at Google as we speak. So hopefully some of them will be implemented. I’m also in process of incorporating all Google “add-ons” into my Blogger site. I’m working with Picasa for my art and pictures, Google Reader for latest headlines, and Google Trends-Music to find out what the heck is going on in music these days. Google seems to be more stable and is free to use. I want to also incorporate music on the site so I’ll probably add a music player of some kind which I have yet to do some research on. So money being as tight as it is now, I’d be saving $20./mo if I didn’t have to host the Thoughts site….
Just some random thoughts...we'll see what happens...good weekend all!!!!
Wanna know what I'm up to? My calendar is here!!!

I Hate This Life-Can I Have Yours?

Updates upon updates!!!

The House

I was on my lenders website yesterday when lo and behold there was a notice indicating that “if you are having difficulties paying your monthly payment due to you’re loan with us adjusting, please call us at xxx-xxx-xxxx to re-negotiate your payment.” Now, you KNOW I was on that phone talking to them. They determined that I do qualify and all I needed to do was send them 2 pay stubs and a letter indicating why I needed help (even though I thought that the call and my credit would be a good indicator). In the next couple of weeks I will be in talks with U.S. Bank about a consolidation loan so I can keep my debt in one chunk and not have to constantly rotate payments around since my mortgage has gone up. That ought to help things a bit. My frig had also gone out around the same time Laura’s did but I couldn’t afford to fix it at the time. I got onto Home Star plus through my energy company and now can have them come fix it, along with the dishwasher that, for whatever reason won’t drain! So I’ve been eating out of a box for a month and it’s taken its toll on my pocketbook as well. Enough to have to beg a few friends and family for money.

Singlehood- The on going trauma to find Mr. "Close to perfect"...

Well for what I thought was a break up with Mr. Online, has taken a weird turn. He called me at work (which has never happened) and the lame thing is every time he calls me it’s only for 10 mins and I do all the talking….WTF?!! So now I hardly ever get an e-mail and once a week or so a 10 min lame ass call that sounds like he’s calling me between appointments…Please don’t bother, seriously!!!

Rachael, Beth and I were at a Hairball show and this random guy comes up and starts talking to us. Just as he starts talking to me the band starts up so all I see is his mouth moving. I lean over and I hear "What are you?-slow?" This instantly prompted me to flip him the bird and tell him to fuck off. He spent the good part of 15-20 mins apologizing profusely in an attempt to correct the situation. I finally relented and within 10 mins he says “Wow, you’re very cool and a very smart girl, more so than the other girls in this bar.” I also informed him that I hadn’t been drinking and that when you do you lose I.Q. points per drink. Hence, I’m the smartest person in the room! He asked for my number, called me on my business trip and asked me out over voicemail-not preferred by the way!!! We were to have met again at the Hairball Costume party but he wasn’t feeling well and cancelled.-Whatever!

Update 11/5- Just wanted to put it out there that RSB is very -ehm, nice AND he likes Vampyres!- if he only knew!! HA!

Jilly, my boss at the airport decided to take me out for a drink at Bennigan’s for helping her through another successful inventory session at our store. Some random guy who happens to also work at the electronics’ company, starts talking to me and then proceeds to make comment about “how big” my legs were. Then has the nerve to ask to get up so he can “check me out”..??? Once he was put into check by Jilly and I he goes back to his table of friends. He comes back over 30 mins later, fully loaded and proceeds to ask if he and I are going to get married, because I’m so cool and all. He asks me for my phone number-“umm, no”, my position at the electronics’ company- “no”, and if he can call me at work-“did I mention I work for the Director of HR?, no!” Apparently after I left he asked Jilly if she liked sex and would having some wit him, she rolled her eyes and left.

Update 11/5- This retard walks past the gym everyday to see if I’m working out.

Oct 22-23 I went on my first business trip with my department to Memphis for Diversity or “sensitivity” training. We stayed at the Westin-awesome tub, shower and a bed so soft I felt like I was sleeping on a cloud-but I digress. We visited the murder site of Martin Luther King Jr. and the Civil Rights Museum. Part of this training is that we get into groups and talk, really immerse ourselves into the topic. I’m not real comfortable with that type of discussion and had completely over dramatized it in my head and that we were going to end up beating drums in the middle of some forest getting in touch with out hidden emotions. It wasn’t as intense and the experience I found extremely profound. I cried a bit but mostly I fell for my Diversity manager. Yep. No shit and he’s married. I found that in his concern to keep me “protected” emotionally during this that I took/ am taking it as more than it is/was. He reminds me of one of those older, hippy, liberal, Berkeley professors, with the long curly hair, cardigan sweater (ala Mr. Rogers) full beard and mustache and a bit overweight. It doesn’t matter because in our 2 days I found that not only is he kind, but fucking brilliant. He gave me insight to shit I haven’t thought about and a new perspective on how to see most people instead of automatically thinking they are dumb. He asked me provocative questions and I found that he’s also a talented musician-go figure?!

Now that we are back in the office, it just seems awkward. Granted he has no clue that I feel this way and I’m slowly trying to get past it. I find myself seeking him out just to say hi-which is so stooped and beyond me! The man could care less since he has told me time and time again that he is married and seems to truly care for his wife.

Working out

Well have lost a lot of the bulk I put on after my "not so brilliant" 300 program. I’m just back to basics at this point. I’ve been lifting for an hour M-Th or M-F at the electronic company’s gym, on the weekends I run 1-3 miles for about an hour and am back to eating the basic stuff-veggies, chicken, fish and a bit of fruit. I haven’t lost any weight yet, but my legs and hips are toning up which is what I want. I’m due to meet with my trainer again next week for a run down and to change up my work outs again, since my body seems to adapt fairly quickly to whatever he comes up with. I figure in 3 months of this type of dedication I should be Olympic shape…

I have decided after about 2 weeks of marathon training to discontinue.

Reason 1- Matt confessed to falling for me which is why he volunteered to train me…..

I think I’ll stick to just having him walk me out of the airport, if that.

Reason 2- Life, as usual is getting in the way of my plans and

Reason 3- not enough time to train for the Rock n’ Roll marathon.

He

He was waiting in that room for me.

I was talking with friends.

I didn’t remember,

I didn’t know who he was,

I didn’t care.

He used to be a rebel with long hair and worn boots.

Now a bit more haggard-beaten up by life and the road;

A bit more pensive, more thoughtful, not as renowned.

We spoke and I couldn’t resist,

I missed him-oddly enough.

He loved the blue eyes of that country girl.

I loved the mind of that Italian boy.

He said he’d been waiting for me,

For a girl; a person like me;

Someone who connected with him;

Someone who gave him hope, energy, inspiration.

For me; the world seemed to spin a bit faster,

The days seemed longer, the nights shorter and I felt special-even if fleeting.

He said he was waiting in that room for me.

Where I was talking with friends.

I didn’t remember,

I didn’t know who he was,

And I didn’t care.

Another Crappy Date with a Weirdo

I’d met this guy online a few weeks back-I met him when I did this… He and I had been communicating online for about 2-3 weeks. He seems funny and interesting etc..so we decided to meet instead of over coffee, over dinner. We decided to meet around 7:45p at a TGI Fridays half way between the cities we live. I was there at exactly 7:45p and he saunters in at 7:56p. He immediately asks me how long I’ve been waiting and I told him 10 mins. He then asked if I was mad, and I told him that I wasn’t mad but I certainly wasn’t happy. Instead of an apology or reason as to why he was late he just suggests we go grab a table. Grrrr, I hate it when people are late and more so when they don’t explain or apologize for it-Strike 1

We sit down and are talking while we decide on what to order. He tells me that he “cheated”, that his roommate had made a pizza earlier so 1 slice turned into 5 and well, he wasn’t really hungry now, so maybe he’ll have an appetizer or a dessert. I’m thinking- “great..”. We order and I start talking and I notice that he isn’t engaging me, so it turns into me asking him about what he thinks about this, what he thinks about that, what’s his opinion this and that… I’m thinking “ok, perhaps he’s really not interested in you after all. He’s a fairly tiny guy anyway-about 5’7 and perhaps 140-150 lbs….” He did ask me and sort of gave me hard time about eating healthy. I basically told him I lead an active and healthy life style, that I’d been sick for a short period of time and that motivated me with the help of my brother (who’s a Dr.) to lead a healthier lifestyle. He basically told me that he could eat anything he wanted and not have it affect him. I argued the point that just because you don’t gain weight doesn’t mean it doesn’t affect you etc and that it will catch up to him soon considering he’s in his early to mid forties. He basically blew me off. Not healthy?-Strike 2

After dinner we decide to sit outside for a bit-it was such a beautiful evening! We’re sitting just soaking it up when I feel him squeezing my left thigh… I look at him and ask what he was doing. He says that he noticed that my legs were big. That the rest of me was pretty proportionate but my legs were big. I explained to him that was because I run everyday. Most female (and some male) athletes and runners have larger legs, that’s part of the physical attribute of a runner, just as being long and wispy is the physical attribute of a dancer and to have a muscular and stocky upper body is the attribute of a swimmer etc. Thigh muscles are one of the largest muscles on the human body. He looked confused…I engaged him a bit on music and he was clearly disappointed that I wasn’t a Pink Floyd fanatic. I continued to engage him on music, and he suddenly interrupted me, declaring that it clearly wasn’t going to work between us. He explained even though he thought i was cute and nice, we lived on opposite sides of town that was an issue for him. I was a bit taken aback. I explained that we both are grown ups and have cars; not horses and buggies. It’s only 30-40mins and I had dated (X)Erik for 3 ½ years and it was never an issue. His next reason was that I owned my own home. He told me that since I wasn’t willing to sell it in the immediate future or have anyone live with me he wasn’t interested. My house?!-Strike 3

1-Since I struggled to buy my house, have owned it for only 2 years and love and appreciate it more-why should I sell it?
2- I would have to be dating someone for a year or two before I would even consider living with someone.
3- Why should I (the woman) have to give up what I have to a man? He can give up his house(s) for me!
4- Why are we even talking about this? We just met 2 hours ago!

He then asked if this was the part of my personality that was considered “fiercely independent”?
Hmmph, damn straight!

I’d pretty much reached my limit on this one and determined it was time to go…. He asked me for the time and when I told him, he mentioned that he usually limits his first dates to 30 mins. Well he didn’t like to waste his time on someone if there wasn’t chemistry.. He hugged me, begrudgingly wished me well and left.

It was about 11:30p by the time I got home and I was pissed. I couldn’t call anyone since it was late, so I went out for a run in hope of releasing some of this anger. Well by the time I returned from my run I was bawling. Why? Just like you wouldn’t go up to a stranger and tell them that they were ugly- you don't mention their physical features that you don't like to them, then mention their accomplishments are a hindrance. It's seems very cruel and ridiculous to me..

Only Happens to Me!

A few weeks ago a g-friend and I were walking from the train to her house and she announces to me that she recently got engaged…of course I was happy for her etc. She told met that she met this guy about year ago online. That Match.com had opened a related site and needed volunteers to test it. She volunteered and met her fiancé within a couple of weeks. Apparently after about a year or so together, he moved in and recently when I sent her to a trade show out in California’s wine country, he met her out there and proposed. They are getting married at the end of August up in Two Harbors. After all of this, I really didn’t have too much to say, I’m a skeptic. It all seems a bit quick to me and I’ve been working with her for 3 years and this was the first I’d heard of it.…she then suggested that perhaps I should try the online dating thing. Horrified by the suggestion, I explained that I’d tried that before and it never worked out for me. I had too many bad experiences, too many guys that I’d been interested in tell me that I was “too old”, “too nice” “too different” etc. besides I always seemed to grab the interest of guys that are closer to 50 and that are beer drinking, deer hunting, cigarette smoking, sports fanatics that do not exercise unless pounding they’re fists in the air when they’re favorite team scores a touchdown is considered exercise. I really don’t think the type of guy I’d date would “advertise” himself online anyway. I mean can you really show someone how smart you are online? She thought my reaction was funny and kept mentioning it all night….Finally, cracking under the pressure I made her a bet. I would sign myself up for the 30 trial period (it’s free) and that the 5 guys that I’m matched with would be overweight, deer hunting, beer drinking…you get the idea.

Let’s just say that I won the bet. I inserted my information, took the “survey” indicating fitness was extremely important to me, that my “partner” needed to feel the same, and that I didn’t smoke and was looking for a “partner” who didn’t either. Well, every guy I was “matched” with was “a few extra pounds”, “large” or “obese” and didn’t do much for exercise. The funny part was one of them had a picture of himself “muffin topping” out of his board shorts, with a beer in one hand and a cigarette in the other. I have nothing against bigger guys but would prefer someone who can go running with me every night. If a guy isn’t in shape and smokes, probably can’t run too far, if at all. I took a screen print of it and e-mailed it to her telling her I won! When I saw her next we were laughing hysterically about it, and then getting all serious on me she asks “well, did you think any of them were cute?” I rolled my eyes and replied “What do you think?”